Pretty Sure No One's Been Dumped Quite Like This Before

Maybe? It's me, Zara Field*, your intrepid dating diarist, here to fill you in on the latest and most utterly ridiculous update in my love life.

- Zara Field

TWO DAYS BEFORE V-DAY

"Hey, Zara, can I call you?" Remember how I wondered if Walker, the hot, introspective philosopher zillionaire, would be the one to break my Valentine's Day breakup curse? Friends, it was looking likely! We'd been seeing a lot of each other. The sex was incredible. And then there was that recent romantic dinner at his apartment. "Zara, we can't have sex there my roommates eat on that table," he said, laughing as he carried me to his desk. "This works too," I replied, kissing him. He slowly entered me, rocking back and forth, never breaking eye contact. It's been amazing. Until...

"Hey!" Walker looks uneasy over FaceTime. "Um, I don't exactly know how to say this. You're so wonderful, but" I feel like someone is gripping my lungs, restricting my airflow-"I've decided to become a monk after business school, and I don't want to waste your time."

What. A. Motherfucking. Plot. Twist. My heart is shriveling like a raisin, but I've still gotta give this man credit for perhaps the most creative and unexpected ending to "the speech" I've ever gotten. A monk? Really?? No sex. No masturbation. A year of silent meditation. A monk???

"Um, that's quite the pivot," I say, trying to hide my devastation. "I had such a great time with you and hope that you find happiness." I can tell he wants to talk more, that he is struggling to work through his own feelings, maybe even wants validation or support from me. But I just can't. The tears are coming, and the disappointment is overwhelming. Once again, I let myself get lost in a daydream of hopeful what-ifs. "Good luck with your eat, pray, 'no love' journey," I say as we wish each other well before hanging up.

AN HOUR LATER