REDDITORS: IMMIGRANTS KEEP KIDNAPPING MY WIFE!!

Immigrants keep taking my wife for up to twenty-four hours, and no one is helping! Police won't do anything. I'm asking this community for advice on this situation!!

- BY MIKE O'BRIEN

I feel powerless! She's the mother of my children, and she keeps getting kidnapped! Please help me end this nightmare!!

The most recent example: last night, my wife got called in to her real-estate job for an all-nighter, which anyone who knows the real-estate game will tell you is fairly common. So she put on a dress and lipstick and started walking to her office. But then I noticed a red flag: a Mini Cooper pulled up down the block, and she got in the passenger side! I was able to get a decent look at the driver, and, sure enough, he was an illegal immigrant!! My stomach filled with acid!

I have a knack for detective work for a reason that, legally, we shouldn't go into, so I knew that I should do a Find My Phone on her phone. I drove to where it indicated she was, which turned out to be an Indian restaurant.

The immigrant had taken her to her favorite restaurant! Was this a death-row last-meal thing? Or, worse, would he make her eat ten entrées and then she'd be “Gluttony” in his series of seven-deadly-sins killings!?! I stared at him through the window as he cackled with laughter, rolling his eyes back like a shark.