CHIVALRY 2

Tempered steel and temper tantrums on medieval battlefields

- Tyler Wilde

I know I’m getting salty when the big sures start coming out. Oh, sure, I guess that enormous axe blade just chopped my head clean off and I died and everyone trampled on my bloody corpse while it flopped around in the mud. Yeah, sure, that’s just fine!

I really enjoy this stupid game, but Chivalry 2’s mutliplayer medieval battles are infuriating sometimes. Every time you spawn, you’ve got to run for ten seconds or longer to get to the front line (spamming C to yell “rauuugh” helps pass the time), and when you get there, you might be poked to death instantly by three guys with spears, or mobbed by shiny knights, or, worst of all, shot through the eye with an arrow. Oh, sure, why wouldn’t you stand 20 yards away from the fight and shoot arrows at me? You joker.

I should really hit Alt-F4 and call it a night when I’m getting mad at the concept of archery, but the prospect of going on a spree beckons me from beyond the respawn timer. I love a good spree. Example: after putting up a disappointing K/D during one objective-based match, I switched to a two-handed hammer I’d just unlocked and, for a minute, turned the game into a gritty Three Stooges reboot as I bonked head after head, producing a series of metallic thunks followed by squishy splurts. I stopped giving a crap about the objective, a line of trebuchets my team was supposed to blow up, and entered pure bonk mode. I bonked out 11 kills before they hauled me down.

KNIGHT SCHOOL