Clash Of Traditions

How to negotiate and blend family customs.

- Vanessa Infanzon

Every Christmas Eve, my husband and I discuss whether the presents from Santa should be wrapped. We’ve been together for so long, we’re not sure whose family tradition we followed the previous year in that regard. We’ve decided that if we can’t remember, neither will the kids, so everything has gone smoothly so far.

When a couple starts their own family, each person brings in childhood traditions. Merging these to create family traditions requires negotiation and planning. Here are a few ways to help your family navigate this blending process during holiday celebrations.

MAKE A PLAN WITH YOUR SPOUSE

Charlotte residents Paula and Marcel Elsener celebrate cultural backgrounds and traditions from Sweden, Switzerland and America. One tradition important to the Elsener family is to stay at home on Christmas Day.

“We’ve always said from day one that we are not traveling on Christmas,” Paula Elsener says. “It’s about the kids; we want them to build Legos for hours if that’s what they want to do.” They do, however, extend an open invitation to the grandparents letting them know they are welcome to join the festivities.

“Communication and talking becomes key,” says Michelle Deering, a licensed psychologist at Apex-based Curative Connections. “For the family unit, they are individually bringing their respective histories, and so the talking they need to do has to pertain to what traditions they liked and disliked, and then what desires do they have for the types of memories and messages they want their kids to have.”