The Benefits of Raising Conscientious Kids

Being conscientious will serve kids in the long run. Here are some tips for helping them learn that trait

- BY JASMINE MOTE

MY PRESCHOOLER IS OBSESSED with rules— and, more important, exploring their loopholes. When I tell him to stop throwing rocks, he will drop a rock dramatically with a loud thud, assuming plausible deniability. Pretending to be a Tyrannosaurus rex, he will chase his little sister around our kitchen island and push her. “Don’t push your sister,” I'll command, and he will reply, “I didn’t push her! The dinosaur did it.”

Self-control is one’s ability to navigate multiple competing desires—such as listening to your mother and shoving your sister. We tend to idolize people who show certain kinds of self-control (such as professional athletes) and demonize those who we think don’t show enough (for example, athletes who get caught in doping scandals).

When I think about self-control in children, I think about psychologist Walter Mischel’s marshmallow test, in which children could either eat a single marshmallow immediately or show self-control, refuse that first marshmallow and be rewarded with two marshmallows later. The original studies found that children who waited for the additional marshmallows had more academic success in adolescence compared with those who gave in to temptation.

But what if the marshmallow way of thinking about self-control is wrong? Maybe it’s about not just avoiding the tempting first marshmallow but the myriad other things that go along with that: planning for the future, following rules, working hard and trusting that you'll indeed get your eventual reward. In other words: being conscientious.

Teaching conscientiousness—a personality trait that’s about more than self-control—may actually be the path to helping our children be the best versions of themselves.