LEAN ON ME

How do you help a friend navigate a difficult season?

- Christi Nortier asked counselling psychologist Sanam Naran for advice.

But it can take a few trials and errors before fully understanding that.

In life and in friendship, your presence is enough. Some of us learn this the hard way. I'd basically wound myself up into giving my friend a 10-minute TED Talk on why I was as outraged as her, why she won't be destroyed by this, and how she should dress up and show up for life again. There's nothing that can bring her down! And she just kept crying, tears leaking down her cheeks. She apologised for always breaking down in restaurants and for being such a burden, her shoulders hunched and trembling.

I emerged from my positivity trance dazed and horrified. I thought I was being helpful, but she looked so alone between all the repetitions of “should”, “must” and “You've got this, girl!” during my monologue. I left ashamed and despondent that I couldn't help my friend through the deepest and darkest spirals she'd encountered. After months of this cycle repeating itself, I was spent and at a loss. What's a good friend to do? Tackle it with research, of course. I realised (with shock) that in my rush to be supportive, I'd delved deep into rescuer territory with a dash of toxic positivity - two things I vowed never to dabble in. It was hard for me to comprehend the recommendation that merely listening to my friend talk through her issues would help her to figure it out herself. Would I be a good friend for doing what seemed to be the bare minimum? It was hard to shake that “caretaker” impulse, something so hard baked into women since time immemorial.

But I gave it a shot. We met for lunch, she talked and she cried. I listened and kept my unsolicited advice to myself (mostly) and when she did ask for some, I didn't offer to jump in and organise her whole life. Long before the meal ended, she softly said “Thank you for listening”.