MAGIC MAN

POST MALONE HAS MORE TEN-MILLION-SELLING SINGLES THAN ANYONE ELSE. AND EVERYBODY IN AMERICA SEEMS TO LOVE THE GUY. HOW THE HELL DID HE PULL THAT OFF?

- DAVE HOLMES

THERE ARE MORE THAN EIGHT BILLION PEOPLE ON PLANET earth, and very few of them can remain relatable while they're telling you about the time the diamond fell out of their mouth. Not just relatable, likable. Your heart breaks when you hear how he hungrily bit into a Chicken McNugget that night in Rome, and how he just knew he'd lost that $600,000 fang. It hardly matters that the story has already been spoiled. The two massive, real-ass jewels are right there on his canines where they belong; a happy ending is a sure thing. But still: "I had the left one in my hand, and I dropped it right into the sink hole," he says. (Under normal circumstances, you'd correct him and say, "Drain," but you don't, because the guy is on a roll.) "I'm like, 'Fuck, man, I'm going to have to go into the ancient Roman sewers." You find yourself rooting for this guy to locate the twelve-carat gem that a team of dentists and jewelers shaped and polished and drilled into his teeth. You applaud his ingenuity when he tells you about how he rigged up a scooping device with a pair of pliers and a plastic takeout-pizza tripod; you relax a little when he retrieves it; you feel his victory when a Roman dentista gets it re-embedded. He did it!

It's all going to work out for Post Malone. Good for him. Let's get the man another beer.