Help! I'M NOT QUALIFIED FOR Christmas!

From wonky wrapping to airbed punctures, Lucy Sweet can't get the hang of the festive season

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Christmas always requires a huge spectrum of niche and complex skills that I, for one, do not possess.

Cooking, wrapping, decorating, icing, making your own crackers... it's all a big mystery to me.

Even after decades of Christmases where nobody has actually died of food poisoning, I'm still at the primary school level of Festive Preparation, whereas others seem to have honorary degrees (looking at you, Nigella).

Where do people find out about all this stuff? Does it seep in by osmosis or is it passed down by generations in tattered recipe books? Or is there a secret college course that can teach you how to wrap a mug without screaming?

I wish there was, because every year I try my best, and every year I find myself lying on the carpet with Sellotape in my hair, feeling defeated. Meanwhile, other people seem to sail through the festive season, whipping up Michelin-starred bread sauce and getting top marks for tablescaping.

Perhaps the main thing I need to learn is not to berate myself. We can't all be good at everything, and maybe I should play to my strengths - which are eating, drinking and getting to the purple Quality Street before anyone else.

After all, without qualifications, surely we can't all be expected to be instantly adept at these very specific Christmas skills...

Artisanal gift-making