Are these the 18 ways that we could transform London?

The capital could actually be good, but we need some radical new rules

- Martin Robinson

1 If you must eat food on the Tube, share it.

If you’re going to stink the place up, the law should say that you have to pass the chips around the carriage. That will either stop the selfish maw-stuffers or make it more bearable for everyone else.

2 No beanie hats.

Look, I know you think it gives you a “working man” vibe, allows you to indulge your fantasy that you’re a damaged cop working undercover in Seventies New York. But listen Serpico, you work for a media agency in Hoxton, your dad is a judge and the last time you took public transport was a milk cart from the Soho Farmhouse car park to your “rustic” chalet. The only hats allowed in London are deerstalkers and bowler hats. Period (as your beloved Americans might say).

3 No more new coffee shops.

That’s enough now. We don’t need any more. Particularly in local “village” areas that like to close down popular chicken shops in favour of an artisan coffee micro-brewery called Java, Bitch, which charges £8 for a latte and holds you in contempt because amateurish lattes ruin the tasting notes of the beans. Same goes for delis.

4 Rawdogging mandatory on all public transport. Get off your devices, and talk to each other. This would instantly improve all of our lives by 250 per cent and we all know it. But who’ll do it? Not me, for one. So make it law.

5 Lunch should be two hours.