3.25am – just the moment to try to flip your mattress

As pleasurable moments go, it probably won't be top of my list, but knowing that a great percentage of humour comes from people's misfortunes (the banana skin syndrome as you might call it) and that we all enjoy a laugh, I'll spill the beans.

- Peter Mortimer

A woman whose hot water bottle never leaks and has therefore never had the pleasure of ironing a wet mattress in the middle of the night

Beans weren't actually involved, though spillage was. The hour was 3.25am (strange how you notice these small details) and like all good folk, I had long been in bed. This was about to change.

I remember the first half-awake impression was that I was paddling in the sea Cullercoats Bay maybe? I do occasionally venture there for a brief immersion of the ankles.

Less common is the full-body slow immersion where, as you inch further and further into that freezing briny, yelping and screeching like some frightened pooch, the experience is an appalling one. But on these rare occasions, the secret is to keep your nerve.

Let the sea slowly rise up your goose-pimpled body (goose-pimpled, not goose-bumped, please) then finally, when it's above the nether regions, take a deep breath and under you go.