What fun it is by the seaside

Emergency workers are bracing themselves for the annual outbreak of beach-related disasters.

- BEN TROVATO

If you find yourself drowning, raise your right arm high enough for the lifeguard to see the R200 note in your hand. When he swims out to you, he is going to slap you around a bit.

This is what lifesavers do to punish bathers for distracting them from flirting with underage farm girls. Remember that the Marquis of Queensbury rules do not apply on the high seas.

Retaliate by gouging his eyes and biting his face. He will try to get away. Go after him. When you get within striking distance, swim underwater and sink your teeth into his leg.

He will think a shark is attacking him and he will pass out with fright. Flip over and drag his body on top of yours. Use one arm to hold his head above water.

Paddle backwards with your free arm. If he regains consciousness, tighten your grip and cut off his oxygen supply.

By the time you hit the sand, a crowd will have gathered. If there are news cameras on the scene, make sure the reporters get your name right and leave quickly.

Eating is another potential hazard. My mother always told me not to go swimming straight after a meal. When we had picnics on the beach, she would force-feed me a giant ham and cheese roll.

I was the only kid on the beach who had to sit under the umbrella and digest his food while everyone else was in the water. I had no idea what was going on in my stomach.