Letter to apply as refugee

To: Chief of the US Refugee Admissions Program:Dear Sir/Madam,I would like to be placed on the list of persecuted white South Africans seeking a safe haven in your magnificent country.

- BEN TROVATO CUT&RUN

To: Chief of the US Refugee Admissions Program:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I would like to be placed on the list of persecuted white South Africans seeking a safe haven in your magnificent country. I am not a farmer, but that can be easily remedied. I intend digging up my lawn and planting carrots, brinjals and chickens. I am familiar with livestock as I own a dog the size of a cow, but not as smart. And I sat on a tractor once. Will this be enough?

I should mention that I also feel very oppressed because on Thursdays, when Beauty comes, I have to leave the house for the entire day because I can no longer stand the sound of vacuuming and breaking crockery. Sometimes she puts the radio on a Zulu channel. Although I cannot understand what the presenter is saying, he is almost certainly urging her to rise up and stab me as I watch rugby on the telly.

Thing is, Beauty hasn't assaulted me. Yet. If you think it would strengthen my case, I could put up a notice at the local Spar asking for a volunteer to knock me about a bit. How bad does the injury have to be? I don't mind a small flesh wound. Just enough to get me into, say, New Jersey. But if it means losing an arm or leg, then I would have to insist on an apartment with a view of the New York skyline and a cushy job in Manhattan.