'I was a 6"4 giant on the outside but a dwarf on the inside'

DAVID Forde was looking at a picture of his younger self. The same confident jaw was there next to a youthful smile.

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But it was his eyes he focused on because the eyes don't lie. To the outside world, there was nothing to see.

But the outside world didn't know what to look for.

A 45-year-old Forde does because he now has a deep understanding of the player he was and the person he now is.

He explains: "I felt I was an imposter, not a good enough player. Had I had the right belief early in life I could have played for Manchester United or Liverpool. I could have been one of the best goalkeepers in the world."

He never made it that far. Even so, there is still a tangible pride in what he did do, earning a living from a game which came late to him, but one that took him to international football as Ireland's No.1 on 24 occasions.

Galway, Barry Town, West Ham, Derry City, Cardiff City, Luton, Bournemouth, Millwall, Cambridge and Portsmouth appeared to get the best out of him.

Forde's lasting regret, though, is he never got the best out of himself.

He says: "Physically I was fitter than a butcher's puppy. I was 6"4. I had eight per cent body fat, the physique of a heavyweight boxer.

"But nobody ever talks about a person's intellectual fitness, their spiritual fitness, their emotional fitness. And emotionally I was unfit.

"So, as my career evolved, I had to acknowledge what emotion is. I had to understand it. People looking from the outside would see a person that had the physique of a heavyweight boxer but inside my world was so turbulent.

"The truth is I was a 6"4 giant on the outside but a dwarf on the inside. That is what shame feels like.

"I was worried about what people might say if I examined my depth and spoke about my feelings. That held me back.

"And that attitude of 'what the neighbours might think' has held Irish people back for generations.

"Eventually I reached a stage where I was sick of feeling small. I wanted more."