Roasts, beef and burns

Some films make for epic reviews. We'd rather watch these 10 reviewers than the films they typically suffer through

- Sulogna Mehta [e-mail]

Film reviewer Marc Salov watched the Twilight movie (2008) and declared that he'd had “mosquito bites that were more passionate than this undead, unrequited, and altogether unfun pseudo-romantic riff on Romeo and Juliet.” Elvis the Alien (Elvis JS Phillips), went a step further by performing his review in a sparkly skin suit to poke fun at the vampires and their pale powdery skin.

The GOAT reviewed over 10,000 movies from 1967 to 2013. Here's what he thought of Valentine's Day (2010): “It's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.” His takedown of the 1996 film Mad Dog Time: It “doesn't improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time (93 minutes),” actually makes us want to watch it.

Nick and Joseph do tell-it-all spoilers and focus on a queer perspective. Joseph thought the horror flick The Mortuary Assistant (2026) felt “like being plopped into the middle of a weird conversation in a language you're not completely fluent in”. He reviewed the new Wuthering Heights too, and didn't outright hate it. “How many people are attracted to the one who degrades them?” — that hit hard, Joseph.