How to Speak Like a Midwesterner

FROM THE BOOK A GUIDE TO MIDWESTERN CONVERSATION

- Taylor Kay Phillips

WELL, HEY THERE! Come on in, sit down. Can I getcha anything? A coffee? Glass of wine? Bagel bites from the garage fridge? You sure? OK, well, you just let me know. Welcome to this handy guide to Midwestern conversation. Whether you're looking to become a Midwesterner yourself, trying to communicate better with a middle-American loved one, preparing for a trip to the heartland (bring a jacket!) or just brushing up on your hometown lingo, this dictionary of common phrases is for you. So take off your coat and stay awhile.

"Ope! Lemme just squeeze right past ya."

Excuse me. I am already mid-squeeze but have gotten close enough that I need to acknowledge our proximity. I'll come and say goodbye to you before I leave.

"Jeez Louise."

I am outraged, exhausted and baffled all at once. I will now sigh and shake my head three times.

"Yeah, no."

No.

"No, yeah."

Yeah.

"You betcha."

One hundred percent. Absolutely. I could not respond in a more affirmative manner.

"Mm-hmm. Yeah. You betcha."

I am finished with this conversation. I stopped listening some time ago. Let's wrap this up.

"Ope! Here I come again!"

I need to get by you again, so I'm using our newfound familiarity to make it less awkward for both of us. If I see you in the parking lot, I'll wave enthusiastically.

"He's a real nice guy."