When Fair Doesn't Mean Equal

Here's how to leave different amounts to adult children without causing a family rift.

- BY JULIE HALPERT

YOU'RE equally proud of your investment banker daughter and her sister, the kindergarten teacher, but it's clear to you who needs your money more. Or maybe one of your children has hit hard times—say, a prolonged layoff or a costly divorce—while the others have flourished. Or possibly you've already lent a big financial hand to one of your offspring, anything from the down payment on a home to paying off debt, while the others have never asked you for a dime.

Whatever the personal circumstances that have led you to this point, you're now considering leaving different amounts of money and assets to your children in your will, either to even the scales or to direct help to whoever needs it most. But you're also worried about the possible emotional repercussions of that decision on your family—the hurt feelings and sibling rifts that could result.

“The most difficult question in estate planning is how I can be fair to my children,” says Larry Macklin, president of the National Association of Estate Planners & Councils.

It’s a challenge that is likely to grow as aging baby boomers transfer an unprecedented amount of wealth—an estimated $84 trillion or more over the next 20 years—to the children who follow them. Combine money, grief and family dynamics, and the potential for drama over inheritances is high even when parental assets are divided evenly among children, experts say. Add a different split to the mix and tensions can boil over—unless you take steps in advance to mitigate the potential fallout.

The solution is not necessarily to change your plans for distributing your assets but to do what you think is right and fair, then clearly communicate your intentions and reasoning to the people you love. Here’s how experts suggest you go about it.