BEING NICE IS A TRAP

Foster This Attitude If You Really Care About Your Employees And Company

- CHRISTINE PARK

This first came into focus early in my executive career before I became a chief people officer. I was working on a merger, and a junior team member was eager to take on a critical role. Deep down, I knew she wasn't ready. But I wanted to be a nice leader. So, I ignored my instinct and engaged in what author Kim Scott has called "ruinous empathy." In my desire to give that teammate what she wanted, I set her up for failure during hardcore negotiations. Result: anxiety attacks for her and a huge headache for the team.

I'm not alone in wanting to be liked at work. And I believe for many women, this can be especially challenging. Women are being told to smile and are being conditioned to be people pleasers. It's no coincidence that we use more smiley faces in our communication. Not to mention, one study indicates stereotypes of middle-aged women as being "less nice" can hold them back in their careers.

Throughout my career in human resources, though, I've noticed that niceness has come to dominate much of our work lives and that's a mistake.

Here's why and what you can do instead:

THE PROBLEM WITH BEING NICE

Conflict is inevitable for any productive team. And yet, our desire to be liked - to not ruffle feathers and to create "artificial harmony" - is constant. Telling someone "no" or "we need to do better" doesn't earn you many smiles. So, we avoid it and double down on being liked. But in choosing niceness over authentic engagement, we lose a chance to inspire improvement. "Nice" has a chilling effect on growth.