A Licence To Kill

With our sport under increasing pressure, how long might it be before bag limits become law? Adam Smith takes a tongue-in-cheek look at one imaginary scenario...

- Adam Smith

Did you get yours?’‘

No, dammit, missed. I still find those Authorised Audio-Visual Avian Target bleepers a bit distracting; seem to make me rush the shot – d’you find that too? All that beep-beep-beep, flash-flash-flash, it doesn’t seem to matter how soon I program the app for each drive, they catch me out. Ah well, never mind, there’s another two drives to come. Must try harder.’

‘Look on the bright side, we’ve had three fully certified, stamped and Defra-approved drives so far, so we can register our Natural England Enthusiastic Approval Levels on our laptops over lunch. And we’ve still got two mini drives to come in the afternoon.’

‘So, what’s the bag, is it three or four birds between us? Four, yes? That means one more each and we’ll be right on our limit with one Permissible Sporting Bonus extra – but that will depend on the Defra umpires. D’you think they’ll let us have another, or are they real sticklers here? I suppose it comes down to whether they use the Packham-Avery System or Oddie Odds – but that’ll still probably be it. No chance, in fact, if we’re honest.’

‘Well, yes, probably – but there’s always the option of an NE Appeal. I heard the other day

some chap on a mid-scale pot shoot in Devon – one of those 10/12 bird-baggers with the end-of-day eco-barbecue and council-approved homemade wine – got an extra cock after his claim was upheld. Cost him, mind, and obviously he didn’t actually shoot it, what with the ruling taking six weeks, but then it’s worth a few more quid for the excitement. And those oven-ready tofu-infused birds from Waitrose are really good. Then again they say the Chinese robot-reared ones from Lidl can be better. Sometimes.’