CRUSADER KINKS PART II
PC Gamer US Edition|November 2021
Continuing the raunchy reign of King Randy Cockburn.
Rick Lane

THE RULES

1. Ruler can only marry characters with the lustful trait (and if possible should have it themselves)

2. If romantic opportunities arise, they must be pursued.

3. Chaste characters must be expelled from court immediately.

Last time in King Randy of Scotland’s quest to roger his way to glory in Crusader Kings III, I left him preparing to, ah, insert himself into the marriage of Petty King Gudrød Haraldsen and his wife Princess Ragnhild. This isn’t solely because Ragnhild is far too comely to be lumbered with a mere Petty King, although it certainly sweetens the deal. Specifically, I want to break up Gudrød’s alliance with Ragnhild’s father, King Olav III of Norway, thereby softening up Scotland’s western isles for conquest.

Despite a 95% chance of success in Randy’s seduction scheme, however, Princess Ragnhild rejects his advances! What could she possibly not see in a middle-aged monarch whose hobbies include sleeping with the pox-ridden King of Sweden?

King Randy hasn’t been rejected before. He takes it well, immediately setting up a new plot to murder Princess Ragnhild. But then I notice Norway is currently embroiled in two different wars, which means Olav probably won’t have many reinforcements to help a Petty King cling on to Scotland’s right ass-cheek. I take the gamble, and declare war on Gudrød. Norway joins the war immediately, but its army never shows up, and I sweep aside Gudrød’s meagre forces with ease. Sometimes it’s best to get straight down to business.

With all of Scotland bar the northernmost tip under his control, the king is feeling pretty good about himself. The game recognizes it to, notifying me that Randy has earned enough renown to unlock a dynastic legacy, a house trait that will be passed down through the generations. After exactly five seconds of deliberation, I select ‘Bounteous Loins’.

Randy finds a way to put the ever-ripening fruits of his to use. ‘Helen’, Randy’s unfortunately named daughter, has come of age. As Randy seeks a husband for her, he discovers that King Olav has recently lost his wife. Within moments, King Olav has a brand new wife, and King Randy has a powerful new ally. Helen doesn’t get a say, because the medieval world was dreadful.

Everything seems to be going well for Randy when he is suddenly dealt two crushing blows. One of Randy’s earls reveals that Duke Gospatric, Randy’s Chancellor, long-time lover, and soulmate, is cheating on him with a lad named William. Conveniently ignoring the fact that he has several lovers himself, Randy issues an ultimatum—it’s me or him. Gospatric chooses William. “Nothing compares to it,” he says. “Not even you.” Ouch.

TIL DEATH DO US PART

Mere days after this arrow through Randy’s heart, the Grim Reaper rips it out and stamps on it. Queen Ximena, Randy’s wife of 20 years, keels over dead. Randy may have cheated on her, but his feelings for her were genuine, and the seven children they had seemed to have been borne from genuine affection.

The combined stress of losing both his wife and his soulmate is too much for Randy, and he suffers a mental breakdown. The only solace he finds is at the bottom of a whisky bottle, and he gains the drunkard trait. Wracked by grief, guilt, and booze, he decides to openly announce his four bastard children, all of whom were borne by his second lover, his lowborn courtier Malmure.

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