HOW THE OTHER HALF DO CHRISTMAS

The Woman's Own columnist has her say on posh Christmases, bums and jumpers

- DAWN NEESOM

Give me a tub of Quality Street and garish baubles any day!

Ladies, there’s only one thing you need in your stockings this year. And, no, it’s not the old man trying to liven up the festive period by dressing up as a naughty Santa. It’s… a satsuma. Or an ‘easy peeler’, as they seem to be called these days. And the stocking had better not come from Primark – it has to be a hand-me-down from your great-great-auntie and stored between lavender-scented muslin in an antique desk drawer. Er, nope, me neither. Best I can offer is Ann Summers and Ikea, I’m afraid. But then I’m not what this is all about.

And, no disrespect, but you’re probably not either.

Because you’re reading the brilliant Woman’s Own magazine, not The Lady. Got it yet? Yep, über posh.

A newspaper article by my lovely journo friend Angela Epstein (she’s not posh either, by the way) has delved into how the upper crust celebrates Christmas, and it’s fascinating. For instance, that stocking we mentioned earlier. Yes, the landed gentry really do dig out an ancient family heirloom and fill the toe with a satsuma. Plus, the stocking is the only thing they’re allowed to open until after the King’s speech.

Which doesn’t sound much fun, does it? I mean, how do you squeeze the kids’ Paw Patrol Rescue Wheels Deluxe vehicle into something so small? And have you ever tried to stop over-excited children tearing into the proper presents left under the tree as soon as they’re awake? At roughly 4am, if memory serves.