The sound of silence

Being cut off by a close family member is devastating. But with one in five families dealing with it, it's time to talk about the realities of being estranged from a relative.

- WORDS by SARAH MARINOS

It has impacted the Beckhams, Drew Barrymore, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex and Jennifer Aniston.

And outside of these high-profile celebrities, a growing number of people are turning their back on parents, siblings or grandparents whom they come to view as toxic and damaging. Instead of Sunday dinners and celebrations, there are months or years of stony silence.

While many feel shame in admitting they are cut off from someone in their family, on social media, more and more people are sharing their estrangement stories. Rather than hiding their 'no contact' with a family member or two, they're showcasing why they've walked away.

Clinical psychologist Joshua Coleman has written about the rise in family estrangement in society and on social media and believes it is partly due to changing views on what harmful or neglectful behaviour looks like. Experiences within families that were once considered harmless are no longer being tolerated. Researchers also point to oversensitive and narcissistic millennials being too swift to take the easy way out.

Social contagion

“I think it’s becoming more common, and troublingly, I think it’s becoming more acceptable and accepted,” Joshua told National Public Radio.

“There’s a kind of social contagion that happens through Instagram and TikTok and Reddit where cutting out your toxic family member is becoming an act of personal expression and identity, rather than what it often is, which is an expression more of avoidance.”

Jane* never imagined there would be a day when she wouldn’t call her mum or text a joke to her brother. Despite living on opposite sides of the world, the three were close.

“I migrated to Melbourne years ago, and back then, phone bills and flights home were crippling. But I felt it was up to me to make the effort and to ensure Mum knew her only grandchildren,” says Jane, 47.