Can We Still Be Friends After Divorce?

It's possible, but don't rush it. Setting clear and healthy boundaries is also a must.

- Theresa Pong

A client at my counselling practice who was going through the process of divorcing his wife once told me: "I can't even imagine being friends with her. She gave up on this marriage."

Both partners were still in their early 30s and did not have any children. They had been together 10 years.

But a year on, they have formed a respectful friendship, after taking the time to work through their feelings separately. They can now meet with mutual friends together without awkwardness.

Another client—a mother in her early 40s—wanted to stay friends with her former husband right after the divorce was finalised, for the sake of their two primary school-age children.

It did not work. Details surfaced about her spouse's decision to divorce that led to the woman feeling deeply hurt. The relationship became increasingly conflicted, so much so that they kept their communication to a minimum to avoid affecting the children.

Whether you can remain friends with your former spouse is a question I have heard many times during my 15 years as a marriage counsellor.

It can feel impossible—especially when the end of the marriage is recent and feelings are still raw. Complicating things is the fact that marital breakdown can involve abuse, betrayal and emotional disconnection.

However, while many clients accept that their marriage cannot be saved, a notable number of individuals wish to remain friends, or at least keep things respectful.

There is also growing recognition—both in policy and practice—that it is important to help couples end their marriage amicably. Couples can now cite mutual agreement as a reason for divorce if they agree their marriage has broken down irretrievably—a move intended to reduce acrimony and better allow the family to move on.