Cleansing, not committing

Helen Coffey asks the experts whether it's women's refusal to settle or men's refusal to settle down that's to blame for causing ruptures in heterosexual dating and relationships

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“Some women have been single so long they don’t date any more.

” So opens a TikTok video posted earlier this year, which several friends shared with me independently (along with laughing-crying emojis). The piece-to-camera video features a Frenchman describing, with hilarious accuracy, why many heterosexual women have become too self-sufficient to truly enjoy a relationship.

“They grant you access to their peaceful little empire like a reluctant queen handing you a visitor’s badge,” he goes on. “You text her ‘good morning’ and she’s already annoyed, like, ‘Why are you disturbing the sacred silence of my personal growth journey?’”

And, the pièce de résistance: “You plan a cute date and she’s thinking, that sounds nice, but also, I could stay home, deep clean my apartment, do a 12-step skincare routine, order sushi and not have to listen to a man breathe.”

The monologue struck a chord, swiftly totting up 1.2 million likes. It has echoes of Miley Cyrus’s 2023 breakup anthem, “Flowers”, which prompted millions of women to belt out the message that, yes, they could buy their own damn flowers, take themselves dancing and, ultimately, love themselves better than some guy ever could.

Like much of the best comedy, the TikTok video was funny because it was, well... kind of true. Many of the single women I know have carefully curated every element of their lives alongside forging successful careers, creating routines that incorporate self-care, exercise, hobbies and cosy nights in, all while engaged in some strand of personal development (and somehow managing to drink two litres of water a day). They also have active social lives and vast networks of friends that they rigorously nurture and draw from for emotional support.