Kemi takes a short break from policing the toilets to reflect on a leadership going down the pan

No one could take 'leader of the opposition' off her CV. And in truth she had never really been up for it. You'd have to be mad

- John Crace

Even Kemi Badenoch's friends know to give her a wide berth in the mornings. Especially her closest friends. They know what's good for them. Sometimes absence is an act of friendship. Intimacy by proxy.

Mornings are when Kemi is at her worst. Up at 6.30am, checking her phone for the latest culture war. Six double espressos. Then she's ready to get out of bed. Anyone who crosses her path gets swatted away. Don't even think of offering her a granola bar. An hour of bog-standard policing to follow. Making sure the right people go to the right toilet. Ready to pick a fight with anyone.

So it was a shock to find KemiKaze on the 8.15am sofa slot on Good Morning Britain. How could her minders have been so stupid as to let her loose at that time of day? It was even more of a shock to discover that Badenoch was almost charming. Non-combative, even. You wouldn't go so far as to say Kemi was friendly. She hasn't had a personality transplant. Her private hell is other people. But she didn't hit anyone. Was more or less human.