New boy needs to pull his socks up

AS THE Prime Minister has returned home to - rightfully - resume his summer holiday, now seems the time to provide him with a School Report on his first year and a bit in power. As with all such reports, it is done on a subject-by-subject basis, each with an overall assessment and a grade ranging from A plus to C minus.

- NICK FERRARI

ENGLISH: The pupil has consistently failed to grasp exactly what this subject means. The year started very poorly when he permitted crucial background knowledge about a heinous crime to be held back and then made matters worse by seeming to encourage a two-tier justice system. It is recommended he spend some of the summer break understanding that a love of the cross of St George is not illegal. Grade C.

FRENCH: Easily distracted by absurd notions and jokey gimmicks in class, such as forming a special squad that in truth already existed, and chanting “Smash the Gangs”. He has displayed an immature eagerness to believe everything he is told. Grade C minus.