Joy as King gets back on tracks

IMAGINE you're an alien, recently arrived from Jupiter, Mars or maybe the planet Tharg.

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Imagine, being new to these parts, you had yet to experience UK rail travel.

You'd watch one of those railway-themed travel shows, featuring Mr Portillo or whoever (obviously you'd have bought a TV as soon as you got here), and you’d have concluded, not unreasonably, that travelling by train here is a joy. Almost idyllic, it would seem.

So the very next morning you'd nip to the nearest railway station, say at about 8.30am, buy a ticket and prepare to experience this pleasure firsthand.