NEIGHBOUR FROM HELL (FOR THE BOOKIES)

Let Cromwell hurdler help finance your week

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SINCE Big Ben chimed 12 bells on New Year’s Day, Charlton Charlie has stuck a few quid away each week so he can make his annual pilgrimage to Cheltenham for Gold Cup Day.

The decorated South London coronation programme seller has managed to raise a monkey, but what with the outrageous price of a return Wilson Pickett on the Iron Horse out of Paddington, over a century for his club enclosure badge and charges for alcoholic beverages which cause more damage than that of a Bull Rhino, he won’t have much left to fire-up on the ponies.

He received a letter from the racecourse asking for any suggestions to improve his day’s entertainment in darkest Gloucestershire, to which he replied: "Can you please ask the bar staff to wear masks when serving, as at least Dick Turpin had the decency to wear one before he robbed his victims."