One way to pull off fall of Trump

HELLO humans! I hope you're having a peaceful bank holiday weekend.

- Count BINFACE

On which note, let me offer you an exclusive new Count Binface policy.

When I win power (which could be any day, given the mess being made by Pig's Ear Keir), I pledge to abolish bank holidays - BUT only for people who work in banks.

Why should bankers be allowed to put their feet up like everyone else, when they should be fixing the economy they smashed in 2008?

I reckon that you, the hardworking British public, have earned the right to quantitatively ease the time off those b******s are entitled to.

Speaking of peaceful weekends, that brings me to the subject of Donald Trump. The Fanta Fuhrer's effort to nab the Nobel Peace Prize is gathering pace, and he has been vociferously claiming he ended SIX wars.

It's a measure of the man that he should be on the warpath to win a peace prize, but there we are.