Parenting Is a Joke!

This Mother's Day and Father's Day, let's all take some time to laugh at our kids

- BY Andy Simmons

FOR MY WIFE and me, knowing how to raise a child was a lot easier before we actually had we actually had one, and we could just sit back and mock other people's parenting skills. But ever since we dipped our toes into parenthood, we're the ones getting the dubious looks. Over the years, I've learned a lot. Primarily, that raising a kid is no laughing matter. That said, in celebration of both Mother's Day and Father's Day, I've collected a bunch of jokes that sum up the parenting experience pretty well.

The first thing you learn is that parenting is synonymous with worrying.

A young couple has their first child. Their joy slowly turns to concern, however, when for three years the child never utters a word. They hire speech therapists, doctors and psychiatrists, but the boy simply refuses to speak. Then one morning when the child is 5, he looks up from his breakfast and says, "My oatmeal's cold."

The couple is stunned. The man finally speaks. "Son," he says, "why have you waited so long to say something?"

The kid shrugs, "Up till now everything's been OK".

One reason we worry is that we have no clue what we're doing. Parenting is the ultimate DIY project. As Jon Stewart put it: "Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch." Here's an example:

A delivery driver knocks on a door and a little kid-holding a beer and puffing on a cigar-answers. The driver asks, "Are your parents home?"

The kid takes the cigar out of his mouth and says, "What do you think?"

Ours was not a strict household. But when discipline needed to be meted out, my wife was judge, jury and executioner. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, "I'll have some @#$%^& pancakes."