I Am a Wellness Asshole Now

The only thing more excruciating than soaking in a tub of freezing-cold water is telling people it actually works.

- DAVE HOLMES

TO BE A MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN SOUTHERN California is to find yourself saying, with alarming frequency, "Yeah, I'm one of those assholes now." If you've come from somewhere else-somewhere more corn-fed and homespun and other synonyms for unhealthy-you may adopt a wholesome habit out here. You may reap physical and emotional benefits, and you will be clowned to death by your friends from home. CrossFit, breath work, bullshitting through a gratitude journal-I've tried them all. Some have had a positive impact on my life; others have given me items to sell on OfferUp. (I'm looking at you, matcha stirring bowl.)

This year has been especially busy on the humiliatingly healthy habits front. Maybe it's a post-Covid focus on fitness, or a more robust wellness marketplace, or the fact that I hit my 50s and need to get that shit started now if I want to live forever. Whatever the reason, 2024 has been a boom time for people who want to sell wellness stuff to Dave Holmes, and the truth is that a lot of it works. Here's an incomplete list of the kinds of assholes I am now.

THE COLD-PLUNGE ASSHOLE