Coming into Focus

Once thought to primarily affect overstimulated boys, ADHD has become an epidemic among adult women. For one writer, coming to terms with her diagnosis later in life has put her past and family history in a new light.

- By Carla Ciccone

I quit drinking cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant. Alcohol had been my main coping mechanism for 15 years, but I didn't replace it with anything except magical thinking. Motherhood would surely transform me into a woman with all her little ducks in a row, I thought. A few months after my daughter was born in 2019, I realized that other moms seemed to have mastered the everyday organization of early motherhood in a way that eluded me: the planned-out schedules, structured days, sleep training. All of that completely overwhelmed me. This feeling of not quite knowing how to perform adult life was familiar, but combined with the guilt inherent to motherhood, it became unbearable.

Uneasiness has been a constant in my life. As a teenager, I wanted to be confident, do my homework early, keep my bedroom tidy, and stick to a budget so I could buy Angel by Mugler, my teen dream perfume. Instead, I hated myself, rarely did my homework on time, cleaned my room only when it reached hazmat status, and smelled like Skittles, courtesy of Sunflowers by Elizabeth Arden, because I blew my Angel budget on weed and McDonald's. Adult me was the same, but with debt and clinical depression. I chalked up my personal and professional disasters to a deep personality flaw that left me feeling like a frightened clown trying to blend in at a cocktail party.

One year into the pandemic and two into motherhood, I sought help and luckily found a supportive and astute therapist. She suspected in our first sessions that I had-and have always had-undiagnosed ADHD. A psychiatrist confirmed it a few months later. I was 39.