“How Depression Stole My Orgasm”

Kyle MacNeill opens up about living on antidepressants, and the impact it has had on his sex life.

- Kyle MacNeill

I’m coiled up in a ball, gripping at the duvet, holding it tightly so as to cover my naked body. A few minutes earlier, my nudity with a stranger hadn’t bothered me. But now, suddenly, it’s making me feel very vulnerable. We’ve been having sex for just over half an hour. I haven’t orgasmed. And I know there is no chance that I will at any point soon. It’s definitely time to call it a night. Yet, as much as I want to, I can’t ignore what has just happened. I have to say something. ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I add, the noise muffled by the pillow I’m hiding my face in. There’s more I could say, perhaps should say, but none of it lends itself to sexy bedroom talk. Certainly not on a one-night stand. It’s a lot easier to just close my eyes, delve into a deluge of darkness, and forget.

When I was first prescribed antidepressants, I wasn’t thinking about my sex life. There were more important things to focus on. It was 2015, I was 19, and the Christmas holidays had just begun. I had also started to self-harm with anything I could get my hands on. Low mood, low energy, low interest in anything plagued me day and night. I listed my reality to my doctor in a monotone, telling him I’d tried counselling before—for OCD—and it hadn’t worked. I wanted medication. He handed me a prescription and off I went.