COPING WITH BETRAYAL

Relationship expert Steven Dromgool shares his tips to surviving a relationship event that he likens to an emotional tsunami

- Donna Fleming

According to the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory - a ranking by US psychiatrists of the most stressful events a person can face based on how likely they are to lead to illness - divorce and marital separation from a mate are second and third on the list (after the death of a spouse and ahead of major personal illness, imprisonment or getting fired from your job).

When that divorce or separation is due to your partner cheating, it can ramp up your anguish even more. And the shock of finding out about their affair can have serious consequences, especially in the first hours and days.

Therapist Steven Dromgool, the director of Relate Counselling in Auckland, compares betrayal to a tsunami in the way it's unexpected and overwhelming, and says it requires strategies for survival and clean up.

Most people don't have a plan of action ready to go to help them through the devastation and they can feel utterly swamped.

“What happens with relationship betrayal is that you're in shock,” says Steven. “It's awful and it’s serious – it dials up your nervous system to 22 out of 10 and that can cause problems. But the good news is that shock is short-term and it can be effectively treated.”

Talking to a therapist can help you process everything that's going on in those tumultuous early days, but often you may need to wait days or even weeks for an appointment.

Steven has put together a free resource called Betrayal First Aid, available on Relate's website, to help people in those crucial and devastating days after they first find out about their partner cheating on them. It includes PDFs and videos providing strategies to manage short-term emotional pain and shorten recovery time.

Here, Steven shares his knowledge about the effects of being betrayed and how to deal with it in those early days.

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