THE GOAN TRAFFIC SAFARI

MOVE OVER DOLPHINS AND KINGFISHERS—GOA’S REAL WILDLIFE ROAMS ON TWO WHEELS, OBEYING ONLY THE LAWS OF CHANCE AND CHAOS

-  ELVIS SEQUEIRA

IN GOA, INDIA’S SMALLEST AND MOST ecologically sensitive state, there is no species as totally and wholeheartedly committed to extinguishing itself as the Mopeda Scooteri (genus: twowheeleria).

They are unique to this part of the country and are commonly called by various names in various languages, none of which have polite translations. Scooteri are everywhere, darting this way and that, often straight into the path of oncoming traffic and self-extinction, yet surviving only by the grace of those two guardian angels of the foolhardy: Mr Chance and Madame Luck.

Despite their overwhelming death wish and despite losing a frighteningly large number of their ilk every year, Scooteri surprisingly thrive, stay alive, mate, and procreate. Survivors even evolve to become another genus altogether—Vehicularis Fourwheeleria—while retaining the genome that makes auto-termination irresistibly attractive. These free-spirited wanderers consider all forms of tarred and untarred terrain, including footpaths, perfectly legal pathways to their destination. En route, road signs must be ignored; headlights must only be set to either cause temporary or permanent blindness, other motorists must be “outsiders,” and indicators... well, indicators are not a must.

The Mopeda Scooteri (singular: Scooterus) are a miracle of motion governed by six unshakeable principles:

➊ If a car is attempting to reverse for any reason, the Scooterus must quickly pass behind it.

➋ If any car is signalling to turn, it must be overtaken from the exact side indicated by the car.

➊ If a car or any vehicle wishes to emerge from an adjoining lane onto a main road, sudden acceleration must be employed to ensure the car is prevented from doing so.

➋ If a Scooterus, on the other hand, is emerging from a lane onto a main road, then it must do so without looking in any direction, at great speed, and at a 45-degree angle to the road.