The Opposite of Fear Is Unconditional Love

A TOLTEC MASTER EXPLORES HOW TO BREAK THE CYCLE OF CONDITIONAL LOVE.

- DON MIGUEL RUIZ JR.

It's often said that the opposite of fear is love, and in many ways this is true. Yet loving another person can also trigger our deepest fears of being hurt or abandoned, and our relationships with the people we love can become a tremendous source of suffering as a result. The intoxicating feeling of falling in love with someone can be followed by the fear of having them leave us. Or if we have acute insecurities festering, we may fear that they will discover just how flawed and unlovable we really are.

If we aren't aware of this tendency, we may try to ward off this dreaded eventuality by trying to make ourselves appear flawless in the eyes of our beloved. We tell ourselves that if we look and act perfect, they won't have any reason to leave us. Although it may not feel that way, this is actually an attempt to control and manipulate the other person and limit their own power of choice. In other words, this is a behavior rooted in fear.

Just as often, the tide shifts the other way. As the heady chemicals of new love begin to wane, we may also find ourselves more and more preoccupied with fears about the person we're with: Is this person really who I think they are? Will this person really be everything I dreamed of? What if this person asks me for something I don't want to give? What if this person requires me to look at an aspect of myself that makes me uncomfortable or nudges me to address an old wound I'd prefer to leave buried?

The same thing can happen with the love a parent feels for a child. When a baby is born, we feel carried along on a blissful tide of love for them. But as they grow up and begin to assert their own identity and make their own choices, that love can be complicated by fear. What if they behave in ways that are disrespectful? What if they get into trouble? What if we have differing views on how we each should live our lives?