That Ol' Devil Competition

NOELLE STERNE tackles the most uncomfortable of emotions, envy and jealousy, and how competition with others can either cripple us or force us to try a more positive and enlightened approach.

- NOELLE STERNE

For me, competition takes the form of predictable pangs of envy seeing the high school science nerd who sat in the back getting a MacArthur Fellowship. Or my friend marrying a billionaire tech mogul. Or a book club member whose novel never seemed to be finished landing a contract with a major publisher. Or, as I was working on this article, a novelist who has written 14 Course in Miracles bestsellers, publishes in the top magazines, and appears on many television shows.

In a Unity booklet, 40 Days of Letting Go: Lent 2023, the Reverend Cylvia Hayes describes those envious feelings perfectly: “Competitiveness keeps us focused on who we think we’re supposed to be rather than celebrating who we already are… our sense of worth on a comparison with others’ accomplishments, rather than truly appreciating our own unique talents, traits, gifts, and expressions.”

Much as I try distractions, the comparisons and pangs sit heavy on my heart, coloring everything—the wonderful pasta meal, the delicious nap, the invigorating swim. I repeatedly tell myself that the successes of others don’t have to affect mine, but I’m never convinced. Soon the pangs spread and become full-blown depression.

Strategies

I’ve tried many tactics to dilute the depression. Console myself with the nerd’s lack of a significant relationship (in contrast to my longstanding one). My girlfriend’s losing battle with weight (in contrast to my slimming down and keeping down). The book club member’s frizzy hair (in contrast to my sleek pixie). The multi-novelist’s penchant for formularized paranormal romance, which I’d never do. But, at best, these are band-aids.