How to cope when a loved one is diagnosed with dementia

About four years ago, Ms Madhavi Phadke, a philanthropy director in Westford, Massachusetts, noticed her mother, Ms Chanda Bhawalkar, was withdrawing.

- Mohana Ravindranath

Ms Bhawalkar had been an avid reader and a talented cook, who walked daily and texted regularly with her friends back home in Maharashtra, India.

But in her late 70s, she began spending more time alone in her room and seemed aloof and often bored, Ms Phadke said. She became agitated when visitors dropped by, a surprising response from someone who had maintained a vibrant social life.

At first, Ms Phadke thought these changes were just signs of ageing, but as things got worse, she took her mother for a medical evaluation. About two years ago, Ms Bhawalkar was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.

It gave Ms Phadke clarity, but also feelings of deep sadness and helplessness, she said. She remembered thinking: “It’s almost like today’s going to be the best day for the rest of her life.”

But she also wanted to make the most of what she could with her mother’s remaining time.

It is difficult to know how to proceed when a family member is diagnosed with dementia. Clinicians suggest sorting out logistics early on: appointing a trusted person to make medical decisions on the family member’s behalf and writing financial directives.

But one also has to prepare for the emotional weight of watching a loved one lose pieces of himself or herself.

“It’s the mental equivalent of death by a thousand paper cuts,” said Mr Don Siegel of Silver Spring, Maryland. His wife Bette died in 2024 after several years with Lewy body dementia. Families are “left with someone you can’t recognise, except in very brief moments”.

The New York Times asked dementia specialists and families who have faced the condition to share advice for moving forward after a diagnosis.

ADAPT TO YOUR LOVED ONE'S NEW REALITY

Accepting that a family member can no longer think clearly or remember things is among the biggest challenges.