Think kink: the distinctions between BDSM and abuse

Olivia Petter talks to sex educators about what differentiates a consensual sexual practice from abusive behaviour, and why it's so crucial for partners to understand these polarities

- Olivia Petter

Few sexual proclivities are as complex or pathologised as BDSM. For a long time, the practice, which stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, has been seen as the dark and torturous core of the carnal underworld. It's synonymous with trauma, both physiological and psychological. Say "BDSM" to most people and they’ll instantly picture Christian Grey, the smouldering, sado-obsessed protagonist in EL James’s comically terrible Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, whose interest in the practice is linked to his own childhood abuse.

This isn’t just a limited view. It’s one that perpetuates damaging myths about a community of people that has warped our understanding of what BDSM actually entails, and what it looks like when it’s carried out safely and consensually. And it’s one that, certainly in the case of Fifty Shades, perpetuates damaging myths about a community of people that has warped our understanding of what BDSM actually entails, and what it looks like when it’s carried out safely and consensually.

All this has come under the spotlight in the last month in light of allegations against Neil Gaiman. The American Gods author, 64, was the subject of a New York magazine article published on 13 January that featured interviews with eight women who accused him of sexual assault. Gaiman responded to the claims the following day, denying having ever engaged in “nonconsensual sexual activity” with anyone. He added that after having gone back over messages with the women featured in the article, he interpreted them as “two people enjoying entirely consensual sexual relationships and wanting to see one another again”.

The magazine article followed a podcast released in July last year by Tortoise that covered allegations against Gaiman made by five women, four of whom spoke to