The unhelpful labels that make dating a minefield

According to attachment theory, relationship dynamics can be boiled down to just four categories. Olivia Petter looks at how this TikTok trend is damaging our hopes of finding love

-  Olivia Petter

Wouldn’t it be nice if relationships were simple? Imagine. We could just look at someone and immediately slap a label on them that would give us insight into their character, communication style, and the extent of their childhood trauma. On top of this, we’d be able to predict how a relationship with that person would pan out: the things we’d agree on, the ways we’d align, and all the ways we would not. It’s an appealing prospect. And it’s one that’s at the root of our obsession with attachment theory.

The concept first came to prominence in 2010 courtesy of the bestselling book, Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love, written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. But it took a few economic crises, some serious political disasters, and a fatal pandemic that saw millions locked in their homes for several months to convince us we needed this guidance in matters of the heart. During Covid, the book shot back up the bestseller list and has lingered there ever since.

Now, attachment theory is a heavily saturated TikTok trend, where it’s regularly discussed, analysed, and scrutinised in videos that garner millions of views. As the discourse has increased, so has the scepticism. While interesting and somewhat helpful,