The dominant twin battle is all over bar the shouting

DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST TIME DAD OF TWINS

- RICHARD IRVINE

The day starts like an overly dramatic episode of EastEnders.

I can hear shouting, some screaming, occasional things being thrown, until one child appears to tell of the injustice they've suffered at the hands of the other.

'Emma just kicked me really hard, and then took my pillow', Thomas explained in a subdued voice, like a child recounting some horrific experience on a war documentary.

'I don't think she meant to kick you, and you'll have to sort it out with each other', I lied, thinking it's difficult to mistakenly kick someone.

This scenario is played out in a variety of ways throughout the day and means I'm more a full-time negotiator between two warring factions than a parent.

If I'm not arbitrating over disagreements, I'm listening to one or the other inform on inappropriate behaviour.