Fifa's Nobel knock-off

I don't normally get a belly laugh out of the first pages of any newspaper, but this weekend I did, for there was the proud president of the United States finally receiving his coveted Peace Prize from... why, Fifa, the world governing body for soccer, of course.

- JENNIE RIDYARD

Not only did they award him this inaugural trophy - a gold-plated globe (hooray! Gold is his favourite thing, and it’s much bigger than the silly little Nobel medal) with hands grasping at it from below as if from the grave - but they also gave him a certificate and a special big boy medallion that he can dangle around his neck, “a beautiful medal for you that you can wear everywhere you want to go”, as Fifa president Gianni Infantino told him.

I wonder if he took it off at bathtime? Did he sleep with it under his pillow that night?