Festive felonies in full swing

It's that time of year when journalists stare out the window, sigh heavily and start writing drivel that begins with “It’s that time of year when...”

- BEN TROVATO

Calling them journalists gives them undue credit. They're content producers. And it can’t even really be called writing.

“It’s that time of year” stories are almost always lists or advice.

Quite often advice in the form of a list. I am nothing if not an idiot, so here’s my contribution.

It’s that time of year when the ravening dogs of capitalism are out of the cages and straining at their leashes. Their eyes are red and wet and their foam-flecked jaws snap and slaver. Soon they will slip their choke chains and, howling and biting at our heels, they will herd us into the malls and shopping centres until panic drives us crazy and we plunge desperately into debt.

The objective of this appalling game of loans is to accumulate as much new stuff as you can while not losing any of the stuff you already have. Many cars, handbags and cellphones are stolen at this time of year.

One of the byproducts of poverty, unemployment, sloppy genes, faulty upbringing and bad drugs is that the closer we get to Jesus’ alleged birthday, the more our personal belongings become irresistible to others.

For some, the festivities have already begun. Cash-in-transit heists are well underway, muggers and housebreakers are making an early start and traffic cops are raking in the bribes.