The house always wins

YOU'RE familiar, I assume, with Love It Or List It, hosted by our old pals Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer? Each week they visit a couple who've grown dissatisfied with their home, but who can’t agree on whether to tart it up or move. (Not the same couple each time, obviously. Don’t be silly.)

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Kirstie’s role is to urge them to stay put. “Paint this, decorate that, smash down a couple of walls and you'll be happy as Larry, guys,” she assures them. Or words to that effect.

Phil’s job is to suggest they might not be. Happy as Larry, that is. Or indeed Harry or Gary. “Do what Kirstie advises,” he tells them, “otherwise we don’t have a show. But also let me show you some houses you'd prefer.

“Not that you'll be in a position to sell up and buy any of them, having turned your current place into a building site. But hey-ho...”