The hidden costs of emotional labour in dating

THE expectation in a relationship is that you are equals, but instead of being an equal partner, you've become a one-person support system.

- VUYILE MADWANTSI

You're managing your partner's stress, decoding his moods and shouldering his emotional baggage, all while juggling your own life.

There's nothing wrong with this; you're in a relationship, but it shouldn't be a matter of mothering, mentoring or psychoanalysing.

This phenomenon, dubbed “man-keeping” by researchers, reflects a growing emotional imbalance in many heterosexual relationships. And for a lot of women, it’s a dealbreaker.

What is mankeeping?

Coined by Stanford researchers and published in the Psychology of Men and Masculinities journal, mankeeping describes the emotional labour women take on to compensate for shrinking male social networks.

This isn’t about remembering anniversaries or organising date nights. It’s about becoming your partner’s emotional anchor.

According to Angelica Ferrara, lead author of the study and postdoctoral scholar at Stanford's Clayman Institute for Gender Research, some women spend hours each week managing the emotional well-being of the men in their lives.

Think of it as unpaid, invisible labour comforting, listening, and supporting, often without reciprocation.

And as more men report fewer close friendships, women are increasingly stepping in to fill the gaps.

The loneliness epidemic among men

At the heart of mankeeping is a troubling reality: Men's social networks have been shrinking for decades.

Studies show that men are less likely than women to form deep, emotionally supportive friendships.