Therapy with my African father

The difficulty many African parents have in apologising to their children, and their emotional distance, is linked to generational and technological shifts

- Edmund Ugar

recently had a candid conversation with my physiotherapist, Mokgadi Mohale, a University of Cape Town graduate with a flourishing practice in Auckland Park, Johannesburg. I regularly consult Mokgadi, not just for her physiotherapy expertise, but also for the warmth she brings into every session.

On one particular visit, I asked her where her kindness came from. What began as a casual exchange soon evolved into a thoughtful exploration of our shared experiences growing up in African households particularly on the theme of parenting and, more specifically, the deep-rooted aversion many African parents have to apologising to their children. An important issue that requires public engagement because of its mental health implications for the vast majority of African youths.

This issue is one that resonates across many African homes. Among adults who reflect on their upbringing, one recurring theme is the difficulty, or near impossibility, of receiving an apology from their parents, even when it is clear that a wrong was committed.

Many carry a quiet frustration, often expressing how they felt misunderstood, neglected, or even emotionally abandoned, during their formative years.

For some, the complaint centres on discipline. They were harshly punished for minor infractions or treated with a level of severity that, in hindsight, feels excessive.

For others, the issue is emotional absence. Many recall fathers who were physically present in the home but emotionally and psychologically distant, or who were frequently absent altogether due to work commitments.

Stories abound of fathers missing birthdays, school plays, sporting events and the simple moments that mattered in the life of a vulnerable child. In each of these narratives lies a common thread a yearning for presence, recognition and, ultimately, an apology.