I'm a hapless victim of narcissism as family's 'golden child'

One year has passed since the death of my dad. We were very close. The rawness of my grief has started to feel less intense, allowing me the space both to consider the true dynamics that were at play in my family when I was growing up, and to put a name to the perhaps less flattering ones. I come from a large family of five half-siblings: I was the youngest, and a “love child”. My mother died 20 years ago. Blended families tend to be fraught with challenges, and we certainly had our share. The big house in Richmond where we lived looked perfect from the outside, and sometimes it was perfect on the inside, too, serving as the backdrop to many happy childhood memories. But it was also, as I have recently come to realise, host to a set of conflicting personalities, centred around one parent with narcissistic traits: my father.

- Charlotte Cripps, The Independent

I'd always imagined a narcissist as someone evil and grandiose — certainly not like my kindhearted and generous-spirited dad — but since reading Kathleen Saxton's My Parent the Peacock: Discovery and Recovery from Narcissistic Parenting, it's come to light that he was probably one of the estimated 12 per cent of people in the UK who fit the bill. Meanwhile I was a hapless victim, playing the familial role of the “golden child”. This archetype is idealised and placed on a pedestal; I had to be a star student, and good looks were everything. While a “golden child” like me appears to benefit from the favoured position, it’s a role that comes with huge pressure and unrealistic expectations. Myself-worth became linked to my ability to please my dad, from whom I sought constant approval. If there’s even one narcissist in the family, it’s like a pebble in the water, says Saxton, who as well as being an author is an acclaimed psychotherapist. Published this month, her book offers a compelling portrait of narcissism. She uses a mix of science and compassionate case studies to help readers make sense of a personality trait that can be found everywhere — in the workplace, in romantic relationships, and in the home.