Teeing off: The great Indian golf excuse book

IF GOLF EVER becomes an Olympic sport for "creative writing on the spot," India would sweep gold, silver, bronze, and the consolation prize in a playoff.

- Rahil Gangjee

Because when it comes to excuses for a bad round, no one—and I mean no one—can match the Indian golfer.

We don't just say excuses, we craft them. We marinate them overnight in self-pity, season with a pinch of drama, and garnish with just enough self-deprecation to make it palatable to the fourball. So, dear reader, allow me to present—with due reverence—The Great Indian Golf Excuse Book.

Think of it as your ready reckoner when the scorecard looks like a crime scene and you need something, anything, to keep your golfing dignity intact.

Chapter 1: The course conspiracy theories

The favourite starting point for any excuse arsenal is to blame the course. This is a safe choice because the course is an inanimate object—it will not defend itself.

"Bad greens": The king of all excuses. Works in any weather, any city, any month. You missed a 3-footer? Obviously, it wasn't your fault. The green had an invisible slope, a hidden bump, and possibly a small earthquake under it right as you putted.

"Too slow/too fast": Greens are either "too slow" (you left every putt short) or "too fast" (you rolled every putt into the next district). There is no in-between. This is non-negotiable.

"They've changed the pin position": Even though pin positions change every day, say it like you've just uncovered a national scandal. "They've put it on the slope, yaar. Even Tiger would three-putt here."