MAKING A MEAL OF IT

TREVOR HEFT REVEALS THE TRICKS TO WATCHING PUB FOOTBALL AND GETTING YOUR FAIR SHARE OF GRUB...

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IN ANY British village, there are fundamental nuggets of local knowledge that, once learned, make your life both much easier and more fun.

They’re normally things that only come with experience, things that truly mark you down as having been welcomed into the fold.

For instance, which farmer (once befriended) might backhand you some fresh eggs? When and where do the police place speed traps, and which of the eccentrics are merely eccentric rather than, I don’t know, more than that?

But for the football fan, trapped in the shade from rolling hillsides, the most important things to know are: 1. Which pub does the best halftime buffet? 2. Where should you stand for the first 45 minutes in order to secure swift access to the grub?

Nothing will make you feel more like a local than laying the first fingerprint on the roast beef, or having the quickest lips to the chips.

But to achieve such status, you must first learn the various rules of watching football in a village pub. They're not as frequently debated as the laws of the game itself, or as complicated as those that govern our club’s financial performances, but the people who ensure they’re upheld are a lot more effective than any microphone-clad tyke at Stockley Park.