Elf Mayhem Is Taking Over

It's time to restore decorum, says one of Santa's elves

- BY Mr. Sprinkly Cookiebuttons FROM JOHN PAUL BRAMMER

THREE CANDY-COATED DAYS ago, the North Pole suffered a ghastly incident at Sugary Snowflake Square.

Ernie Bernie Gingersnap threw a snowball at Wilford Whisker-winks, striking the good elf squarely in the back and sending him tumbling into a snowdrift. Mr. Whiskerwinks, having been caught thoroughly off guard, spent nearly a full minute rolling about, attempting to get to his feet while his assailant brazenly pointed and laughed.

The throwing of a snowball on any day other than Snowball Fight Sunday is appalling enough on its own, but even more shocking has been the rosy-cheeked public's response: giggles, chuckles and snickers. The tenor of popular reaction to the pelting is perhaps best summed up in a post from one Griselda Glitterpuff that went viral on Jinglr. "Whoa! Looks like Willy Whiskers got walloped!" she jangled, attaching a photo of the grisly scene. "#WatchOutWilly!"

This callous remark is in even poorer taste when one considers that Mr. Gingersnap was not even put in Tinsel Timeout for his violent act. Alas, Ms. Glitterpuff's blatant disregard for Mr. Whiskerwinks's well-being while pursuing engagement on Jinglr is but a recent example of a broader disturbing trend: the coarsening of society at the North Pole, a drift from decorum that we've allowed for too long.

It’s time we sensible elves say “Enough. This is not who we are.”