Old Ben Franklin and His Miserable Maxims

This delightful-and virtually unknown-spoof was written by one of America's greatest humorists. Can you guess who?

- By Mark Twain (1872)

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN was one of those persons whom they call philosophers. He early prostituted his talents to the invention of maxims and aphorisms calculated to inflict suffering upon the rising generation of all subsequent ages.

His simplest acts were contrived with a view of their being held up for the emulation of boys forever. It was in this spirit that he became the son of a soapboiler, and probably for no other reason than that the efforts of all future boys who try to be anything might be looked upon with suspicion unless they were the sons of soapboilers.

With a malevolence without parallel in history he would work all day, and then sit up nights, and let on to be studying algebra by the light of a smoldering fire so that all boys might have to do that also. Not satisfied with these proceedings, he had a fashion of living wholly on bread and water, and studying astronomy at mealtime-a thing which has brought affliction to millions of boys since.